I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
