So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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