There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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