maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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