yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
