I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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