What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
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She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
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And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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