Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
