I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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