Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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