Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
