3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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