I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
