My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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