Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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