Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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