oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
foreskin is a definite game changer
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
