you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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