Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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