So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
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Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
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I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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