god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again