im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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