i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.