Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.