Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
