he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize