Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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