i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
