his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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