Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
