the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
