Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
