I love black thongs
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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