Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
