My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
