I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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