Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
