Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
