Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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