i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
