I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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