When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
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you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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