I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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