my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
