Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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