low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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