So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
