Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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