Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
