i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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