I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
