??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
