Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
This toilet bowl is my home.
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