I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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