Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
