I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
