i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
