The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
