paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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