I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
