you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
