I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
