grinding to god bless the USA? really?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs